Grandfather Jokes / Recent Jokes

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh.""Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.""Im the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today hed be the most famous man in the world.""Really? Whatd he do?" his friends wanted to know."Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people."They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.My Grandma more...

Joe's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Denise agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Denise" he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

Little Johnny was playing outside in the garden one day when he pulled a worm from it's wormhole. Johnny's grandfather, who had seen the whole incident approached Johnny with a devious grin upon his face. He placed a $10 bet with Johnny that Johnny wouldn't be able to put the wriggly worm back into it's hole. Johnny gleefuly accepted the wager and proceeded to the house with the worm in his hand. It wasn't long until Johnny came back from inside the house and carefully threaded the worm back into it's hole. His grandfather gazed in awe at this amazing feat and told Johnny that he would give him the $10 if Johnny explained to him exactly how he managed to thread the worm back into it's hole. Johnny proceeded to tell his grandfather about how he sneaked into his sister's room and covered the worm with his sisters hair spray until the worm was rock hard so that he could simply thread the worm back into it's hole. His grandfather duly honoured his word and handed the money over to Johnny. more...

Mintoo: It Is So Cold In My Grandfather's Farm That The Minute We Milk Buffalo, It Turns Into Ice-Cream.
Chintoo: It So Warm In My Grandfather's Farm That The Minute The Hen Lays'it Comes Out Cooked.

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go "tick-tock-tick-tock" anymore. Now it just goes "tick... tick... tick." The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice... Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."