Grease Jokes / Recent Jokes

Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat more...

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!" came the reply.

Sing the song below to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".
Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah.... well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"
Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, more...

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent. People walk slower here. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big more...

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a more...

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big more...