Grocery Jokes / Recent Jokes

84 Ways to Know If You`re Chinese 1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year. 2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off. 3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out. 4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table. 5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil. 6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it. 7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time. 8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack. 9. You have never used your dishwasher. 10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times. 11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator. 12. You eat all meals in the kitchen. 13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. 14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. 15. You always leave your shoes at the door. 16. You have a piano in your living more...

One day a duck walked into a QuickTrip and said to the clerk, "Hey, got any grapes?"

The clerk said, " This is a gas station, we don't sell grapes. If you want grapes go to the grocery store. And besides you're a duck, so get out!"

The next day the duck walked in the same store and the same clerk was on duty. The duck said, "Hey, got any grapes?"

The clerk said, "What did I tell you yesterday? This is a gas station, we don't sell grapes. If you want grapes go to the grocery store. And besides you're a duck, so get out!

The next day the duck walked in again and the same clerk was on duty. The duck said, "Hey got any..." The clerk grabbed his bill before he could get it all out. Then the clerk said, "If you ask that question one more time I'll nail your beak to this counter!"

The duck said, "Got any nails?"

The clerk said, "No."

Then the more...

A man want's his wife killed so he calls a hit man named Artie, a jatt. Artie is an old friend of the man and he agrees to kill the man's wife for just one dollar.
So Arti follows the man's wife to Farmer Jacks Grocery store and sees the man's wife. He gets out of his cars and as the man's wife is getting out of her car he goes up to her and chokes her. A guy that worked at the grocery store saw what Arti did and Arti had to go over and choke him too. Then a elderly lady seen what happened and Arti had to choke her too. Again another person seen what was going on and Arti had to choke that person too. Finally the Police came and aressted Arti. The next day on the front page of News Paper the Headline said' Arti- chokes four for a dollar at Farmer Jacks.'

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stranded at the grocery store after the brunette accidentally locked the keys in the car.
The redhead suggested they call a locksmith, but the brunette said it would be too expensive. The brunette tried using a coat hanger, but she didn't have any luck.
Suddenly, the blonde shouted, "There's a gas station about five miles down the road. Why don't we drive the car there and ask them to get the keys out for us?!?"

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, " No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, " There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.
The mother said serenely, " Monica, we'll be through this check out stand more...