Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard,' Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'
The guard replies,' They are 3 million,
four years, and six months old.'
'That's an awfully exact number,' says the
tourist.' How do you know their age so precisely?'
The guard answers,' Well, the dinosaur bones
were three million years old when I started
working here, and that was four and a half
years ago!'

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are about to be electrocuted. The guard allows each of them to say one thing before they go into the electric chair.
The brunette is first and says, "God, please spare me," and she is spared.
The redhead is next and says, "Please, let me live," and she lives.
Last is the blonde. She looks at the guard and says, "The electric chair is unplugged!"

When Gamini Thisanayakka was killed in the bomb blast and he was
brought to the god's court and the god decided to send him to hell.
So he was brought to hell, there hell guard told to Gamini "you can
pickup any punishment here". so, Gamini asked the guard "I want
to see every punishment first", Guard accepted that and he brought
him to every section. In one place some one was beating Lalith,
in other section Ranjan Wijeratne was screaming from boiling oil
pot, and Koppegaduwa was being kicked by his colleagues. .
finally they entered one room, there Premadasa and Madona
were engaging in foreplay on a waterbed. Gamini saw this and
he was excited; and he shouted to the guard "I want this punishment,,
I want this, this is I want"
Guard smiled and said "This punishment isn't for Premadasa,
its for Madona".

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''

A very proper man is staying at the hospital as he has been taken quite ill. In the middle of the night he wakes up to find he has soiled his bed. Too embarassed to call the nurse to clean his sheets, he gather them up and tosses them out the window.
The sheets fall onto a drunkard who is wandering around on the sidewalk. He begins thrashing about, swinging and cursing loudly. A security guard hears the noise and runs over to the pale, and panting drunkard.
The guard says "What happened? You look as though you've seen a ghost!"
The drunkard replies "I did! And I think I beat the sh*t out of it too!"

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" more...

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard more...