Guinness Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could more...

Taken from Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine: (I don't know how true this is...)
Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk alone. Is this true, or even partially true?
A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat. So, to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of Guinness.

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.

The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus," he replies.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse more...

Four leaders of beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers.The president of Coors orders a Coors.When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.

My penis is so big, it got into Guinness by being the first Mr. Olympia with no arms.