Hard Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor.
The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"
The supervisor says "Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree!
The supervisor says "Thats intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his coworker and his coworker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish more...
How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have testicles.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.Why don't men eat more M&M's? They're too hard to peel.What do you call a man with an IQ of 50? Gifted.What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.What do men and bottles of beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares!!! What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About WomenHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything! How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know - it's never happened.Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces? Because they're stupid.How are men and parking spots alike? The good more...
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered the President's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be aload to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4.Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
10. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
12. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play more...
Men are like department stores... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just cant get to sleep at night.""Have you tried counting sheep?""Thats the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."