Hard Jokes / Recent Jokes
Avoid models that stall during use.
Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
Check for pulling attachments.
Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
If necessary, fit an alarm.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Take it for a good thrash around
Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
Watch out for nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
If necessary, fit a silencer.
Or use the choke and throttle properly.
For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
NEVER let your friends have a go.
Never make the mistake of more...
Funniest one-liner
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having more...
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Work..
I don't get anything done on Mondays because I'm so depressed about being back at work after a fun filled weekend.
And I never get any work done on Fridays because I'm so excited about planning another fun weekend.
So, my plan is to shorten the work week to just Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday since those are the only days when I get any work done.
Of course then I wouldn't get anything done on Tuesday or Thursday for the same reason I didn't work on Monday and Friday.
So we might as well shorten the work week to just one day, Wednesday.
Then Wednesday would be awful because it would be the only day I had to work.
So if I worked twice as hard on Wednesday, then I could take the next Wednesday off and have a thirteen day weekend.
The only trouble with that is that it would be hard to remember which Wednesday I was supposed to work and which Wednesday I could take off.
So let's just keep it simple. I might as well take more...
While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer called a DELLSHALOM.
It was selling at such a good price that...well... mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left.
It comes with two hard drives, one for 'Fleyshik' business software and one for 'Milchik' games.
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets 'Ferklempt'.
The Chanukah screen savers include 'Flying Dreidels'.
The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the more...
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them areplaying like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, hesays, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!""Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wifewith the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches herswing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.""What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, andTHUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 ft. more...