Heaven and hell Jokes / Recent Jokes
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." more...
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.' Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.' Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.' Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest.' Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'' Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them' How do you like it so far?' The mouse replied' It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said' Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates. The next day God saw the cat and asked him' How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied' Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle." Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle." With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're c omplaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."
Three college football coaches were flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: "Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?" The first coach said, "I'm Joe Paterno. I coached Penn State from 1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl victories, 2 national championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times. The people of Pennsylvania think I'm great." God said, "Fine, Joe, stand at my right side." The next person said, "I'm Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State University from 1980 to 2000. I had a. 816 win percentage, played in 14 bowl games without a loss and won a national championship after beating Nebraska. The people of Florida think I'm great." God said, "Fine, Bobby, stan d at my left side." The third coach stood before God and said, "I'm more...
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter "Public Practitioner," is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight" "No, that's impossible. " "Why do you say that?" "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "Its me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt inhale. And I lied, but I didnt commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, heres the deal. Well send you someplace where it is very hot, but we wont call it Hell. Youll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we wont call it eternity. And dont abandon all hope upon entering, just dont hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."