Herd Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

The following is an actual excerpt from this month`s Forbe`s Magazine:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor attempted to start a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch', but 'herd'."
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course, I've heard of cows... there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes? Hold up your arm and say' Go back, you didn't say' May I?''

A farmer had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeps a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumor comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this.

The first bull says, "Well, there`s no way he`s going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I`m not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don`t have as many as you guys so I`m not giving any up."

Finally, the new bull arrives. To the consternation of the other three he is the biggest, meanest Aberdeen Angus bull they have ever seen, with hooves like flint anvils. He comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He`s at least three times bigger than any of them.

The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy more...

1. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
2. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
3. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
4. What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
An elephant is grey.
5. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
6. How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.
7. What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Squash
8. How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open more...