Hey Jokes / Recent Jokes

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don’t get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you’ve got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I’d like to break the monotony; where’s your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an more...

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word "ratchet" or "socket" on it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear more...

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says,' 'Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies,' 'I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says,' 'Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies' 'I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other more...

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.""Oh really, hmm, didnt know that."Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didnt care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just dont know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!""Oh really, hmm, didnt know that."Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "Youre right. Hes unshakable!"The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, Ill really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped hi m on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. more...

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "Thats amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "Thats amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w e were in Africa and you made fun of more...

Kuttappan is an Indian. Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day, "You know..... I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone important and I'm sure I will know them. Tired of his boasting, his Boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?" Kuttappan replies "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock, on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts," Hey Kutz!! Great to see you! You and your friend must come in and join me for lunch!" They have a blast of a time. Katie Holmes even personally packs 2 sets of Masala Dosas, which is of course specially made by their South Indian chef. They bid each other farewell. Although impressed, Kuttappan's Boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. Kuttappan says "No, no, you go ahead and just more...