Hit Jokes / Recent Jokes

When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son's outburst, his mother said, "Don't you dare use that kind of language in here." "William Shakespeare did," replied Ben. "Well, you'd better stop going around with him," said Mom.

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U. S. Military Secrets Revealed" "Suddenly Sanctions" "Allah McBeal" "Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest" "Matima Loves Chachi" "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show" "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs" "Wheel of Fortune and Terror" "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" "Achmed's Creek" "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right" M*U*S*T*A*S*H "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses" "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque" "When Kurds Attack" "Just Shoot Me" "My Two Baghdads" "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things" "Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah" "Totally Clothed Baywatch"

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
“I do have three hearts, ” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100, 000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150, 000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500, 000. ”
“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life! ”
“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used. ”

A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. "We were on the third hole" the widower relates. "My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up." The coroner replies "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?" "Oh" says the man "that was my provisional."

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?" ""That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?" That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the more...

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already
too late.

Brake more...

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened." Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend." Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said,' Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"