Hit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p. a. system -
"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
"Will the IDIOT on the p. a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!

Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers. The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls. After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball. "Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green" The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup. "You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win." The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball."

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes, ” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100….. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
“What in hell am I doing? ” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
“I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go! ” said the cop.
“Last week my wife ran off with a cop, ” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back! ”
“Off you go, ” said the officer.

There was once a very crafty and cunning thief who had all his life practiced theft without ever being caught red-handed. Now he was getting old and his son, fearing that his art of stealing might to be lost forever with his death, begged him to disclose the secret of his success."There's no secret to be handed down to you, son," replied the old thief. "Just go ahead and do it yourself, that's all."One evening, the young thief sneaked into the bedroom of a rich man. There he found a large wardrobe which was by chance not locked. Hiding himself in the wardrobe, he intended to wait until the master of the house had gone to sleep and then come out and make off with whatever he could lay hands on. Hardly had the master of the house gone to bed when he remembered that he had forgotten to lock the wardrobe. So he immediately got up to fasten the lock. Trapped in the wardrobe, the young thief did not know how to extricate himself. As the night wore on, he was getting more more...

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the more...

A Short list of nevers:

Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the' Mayflower Madam'

Never say' Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words' large' or' size' with' rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke more...

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog more...