Hold Jokes / Recent Jokes

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisanna, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Aint dat grand!!

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!" She a pretty lil ting, too....

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had youself another boy!

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to more...

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it' Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it' eternity.' And don't' abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming? Hey, didn't we go to different high schools? There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. At last! I finally found the perfect girl! A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend. Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night? Is it hot in here or is it just you? If I follow you home, will you keep me? The best way to hold a man is in your arms. If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? If love is the answer... can you repeat the question? I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number? Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking. I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now? But you're so *cute* when you blush! All those curves, and me with no brakes. I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods. Please be patient--this is my first time. May we kiss those we please, and more...

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes.. . . Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks... DOH!

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One more...

5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

Mr. Thadani, a middle-aged Sindhi, is on a plane for Hongkong, in a window seat. Just before take-off, this HUGE Sardar wearing a beautiful suit walks up and sits down beside him. A few minutes later, the plane takes off. All is well For a while. But then, Mr. Thadani realizes that he has to go to the washroom.

That wouldn't be a problem, but he looks over and notices that the Sardar beside him is sound asleep, and Mr. Thadani, being a meek man is afraid to disturb him. So he figures he'll hold it in till Sardarji wakes up. But as luck would have it, the Sardar just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Thadani is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable.

After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride. He tries and tries to hold it in, but then "AAARRGGHH!!"--he throws up all over the Sardar and his beautiful suit.

He thinks, "Oh, no! Now he's gonna kill me!" and sits there in more...