Hook Jokes / Recent Jokes

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the more...

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...
and watched it duck hook two fairways away...

TEXAS SALESMAN -
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to
a big department store looking for a job. The manager
says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the
job." You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we
close and see how you did." His first day on the job
was rough but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you
make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says
"$101,237.64."
Boss says "$101,237.64? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.Then I
sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger
fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.Then more...

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.""Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.""Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate."You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". " One," said the young salesman." Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man." How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss." Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a more...

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish more...

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?""Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"."One," said the young salesman."Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?""Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man."How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss."Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really more...