House Jokes / Recent Jokes
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God," and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, Thank God, more...
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
If architects had to work like programmers...Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If more...
Caught in the Act:
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:' Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Burning with anger, but thinking the husband could only dig himself deeper; she turned, and with ice in her voice, said:' FINE.'
'Well, on the bus home, I met this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride from the transit station. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that old birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit more...
As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.
Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.
As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains
the plan:
- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
- Then I approach the gorilla and more...
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple' s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.' What are you doing?' the mother-in-law asked.' I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law replied.' Why are you naked?' asked the mother-in-law.' This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law replied.' LOVE DRESS! You are naked,' said the mother-in-law.' But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,' said the daughter-in-law.' I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,' the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the' LOVE DRESS' and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her more...
Once there was a blonde that bought a house. she want to name her new house.
so she said "the next thing I hear I will name my house!" so she went down the street and the first thing she heard was "hairy butt"
then she went and bought a dog. and said the next thing she heard she will anme the dog it!!! The next thing she heard was "huge zit"
the next day her dog ran away so she went to the police and said "I looked everywere on and in my hairy butt but I can not find my huge zit anywere!!!"