Imagine Jokes / Recent Jokes
Think ur having a bad day? Imagine this...
You and ur brother are siamese twins, you are joined at the hip. Ur brother is gay and ur not, his lover is coming over later and you only have one arse.
Feel better?
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer."Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?""I was walking downtown last fall more...
I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could
also imagine us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found more...
Hey Guy, You Think You've Got Problems...
imagine Adam trying to convince Eve that God intended for him to wear the plants in the family
imagine being so old it takes you forty-five minutes to undress, and another twenty to remember why
suppose by the time you can read a woman like a book... your eyes go bad
suppose every time you meet a hot looking girl you used to know... it's her daughter
imagine being so impotent that you even have to fake premature ejaculation
imagine you join Overeaters Anonymous and they make you a chapter
suppose two of the world's greatest movers and shakers move into the apartment above you
suppose you become a sheik with 150 wives... and your house only has six bathrooms
imagine you get a great color from going to the beach... but it's blue from holding your stomach in
imagine at the beach your wife tells you to suck your gut in... and you already are
suppose you go to a carnival... and a fortune teller offers to more...
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything."
The owner says "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "Centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but, ok. .. I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty more...