Individual Jokes / Recent Jokes

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

All stations are to be on the lookout for the following
individual(s) that are WANTED by an agency(ies) within the United
States of America. The US State Department has expressed interest
in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the
world.

NAME
Kringle, Christopher Also Known As Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick

RACE
Unknown

HEIGHT
6' 0"

WEIGHT
320 lbs

SCARS/TATTOOS
Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas.

LAST SEEN WEARING
Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat,
with white tassel.

KNOWN TO BE DRIVING
1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle
was displaying a red light on front, in violation of the State of
Alaska Vehicle and Traffic law.

WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CIMINAL VIOLATIONS
Being Jolly in a No Jolly zone,
Breaking and entering more...

"POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS"
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Drunk: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based non-possessor.

In what has probably become a somewhat regular occurance in this little know location, a local individual has recently performed an unspecified act.
Although details are still sketchy at this point, some believe that this action may have a profound effect on others and could possily lead to similar behavior, whatever that behavior might be.
(several staff writers and press associations contributed to this report)

Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).
Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.
Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.
Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.
Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to more...