Individual Jokes / Recent Jokes

The new tax system is full of acronyms which makes it more difficult for the average taxpayer to grasp. The following is a simple succinct appreciation of the new system.

The new system is NUTS the New Universal Taxation System and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand.

Basically, it is STUFFT the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.

Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels.

Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO) Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month.

Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD more...

A Highway Patrolman started creeping up on a highway speeder when it was evident that the individual being pursued realized there was a Highway Patrolman behind him and he stepped on the gas to out run the cruiser. The trooper turned on his beacons and siren and after a brief chase, the individual realized that he could not outrun the cruiser and decided it would be best if he just pulled over to the side and just give up. The Trooper pulled up behind the speeder and then walked up to the driver's side window. He said, "Sir, why were you trying to out-run me?" "You knew it would end this way." The speeder said, "Officer, please understand, I meant you no disrespect, but my wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman last month and I thought you were bringing her back."

1. Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one individual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.

2. Microsoft Word has an AutoCorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the AutoCorrect dictionary... including words that do not exist. If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecured, you're home free. For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is AutoCorrected to Boob whenever the Individual types it. Or set paradigm to AutoCorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations.

3. Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap more...

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. more...

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the more...

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

The Internet Newbie's Song

Sung to the Major General's song from
'The Pirates of Penzance'
by Gilbert& Sullivan

I am the very model of a Usenet individual,
I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I know the basic elements of alien biology,
And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,

I've seen' The Wrath of Khan' and every Star Trek film that followed it,
I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it,
About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast,
With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!

ALL: With many cheerful etc.

I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,
And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He more...