Israeli Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Israeli soap powder company is using the U.S. presidential sex scandal to sell stain-removing detergent.

In a television commercial, the Lever Israel company suggests that its Biomat detergent can deal with even the most stubborn stains caused by what has euphemistically been called DNA material.

It shows' 'FBI agents'' entering the' 'home'' of Monica Lewinsky to remove, wash and return the dress at the center of an investigation into whether President Bill Clinton had an affair with the former White House intern and told her to lie about it.

For what the company called legal reasons, the spelling of Lewinsky's name on a mailbox outside the house was Monika Lavinsky.

But the two agents slip up in their apparent mission to protect the president.

On leaving the house, they report by wrist radio the dress is now' 'whiter then white'' -- only to be told by a voice in their earpieces:' 'White? But it's a blue dress.''

The more...

Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, goes by the nickname' Bibi'.

His wife, in contrast to most Israeli' first ladies', takes a more activist role in her country's affairs.

At some point in the ongoing peace process with the' Palestinians' there will be a fomal conference complete with state dinners. The press is dying be on hand to hear Mrs. Netanyahu lean towards Mr. Arafat and motioning towards her husband intone:

'Yasir, that's my Bibi'

A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan.
"Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.
"What do you do?" says the Texan."I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli.
"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"
"Well", says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?"
"Well", says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive...and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."
"Really," replies the Israeli. "I used to have a car like that."

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...
When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out more...

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.""No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

Four guys are standing on a street corner...an American, a Russian, a Chinese man, and an Israeli...
A news reporter comes up to the group and says to them:
"Excuse me...What's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
The American says: What's a shortage?
The Russian says: What's meat?
The Chinese man says: What's an opinion?
The Israeli says: What's "Excuse me"?...

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his more...