John Jokes / Recent Jokes

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so more...

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him....."what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously.. John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."

Imagine praying and hearing this:

"Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following four options:
* Press 1 for requests.
* Press 2 for thanksgiving.
* Press 3 for complaints.
* For all other inquiries, Press 4."

What if God used the familiar excuse: "All of the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer?
* "If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1."
* "For Michael, press 2."
* "For any other angel, press 3."
* "If you want King David to sing you a psalm, press 6."

"For reservations at My Father's House, simply press the letters J-O-H-N on the keypad, followed by the number 3-1-6."
"For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the more...

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another more...

A patrol of allied soldiers were in a ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route through the rubbled buildings. Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and proclaims. "I got me 4 germans bagged so far. Howabout you John?" Before Pfc John can reply, a lone german soldier runs out of a trashed hotel. In the process of throwing down his rifle after seeing the larger allied soldier group, he shouts "NEIN!" Pfc John takes aim at the enemy and shoots him. "Well, he wont get himself a tenth allied soldier." Joe all year long!

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and more...

John Daly shot a bogey-free 62 in the final round of the Hong Kong Open. At least that's what they told him when he woke up at Hooters.