John Jokes / Recent Jokes

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the more...

Golfer John Daly has begun losing feeling in his hands. Luckily, he can still open beer bottles with his teeth. Daly recently posted his worst score ever in a regular PGA Tour event. His score was so high observers mistook it for his blood alcohol level.

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

So John Mark Karr was arrested in the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

He was creepy and old and she was creepy and six and it's all over the news and you can read about it there and I don't much feel like talking about it.

Well, except this:

Apparently, John Mark Karr has been married twice. And the first time he was married was to a thirteen year old girl.

I find this horrifying.

Because, all moral judgments aside, have you ever MET a thirteen year old girl?

*I* have and, frankly, I'd rather watch four-hundred-seventy-two episodes of "Webster" while being stabbed in the eye with a ballpoint pen than be forced to spend an extended period of time with one.

I would think that about forty-five minutes of "Omigod! Did you hear what Jenni told Amber that Kaitlin told Trever about YOU?" and "Well, do you like me or do you like like me?" would cure anyone of their pedophilia.

In sports, the Duke lacrosse team made it to the NCAA Championship Game, but lost to John Hopkins. I thought this was nice though, after the game as a show of sportsmanship the Duke team gave the John Hopkins players the number to a great stripper.

- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- Do You Love As Good As You Look?
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Wanna Whip Your Cow
- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight,(even if she had a chance to win)
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- If I Can't more...

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she says to Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What was his name?"
The woman replies, "John Smith."
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean *Whirling* John Smith!"