John Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said,' 'St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!'' St. Peter said,' 'My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven.'' This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said,' 'Are you sure I'm in the right place?'' 'My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''
Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A. They both have the same middle name - THE
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, SCREW HIM!!" yelled John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
IN IRAQ ONE NIGHT AMERICAN ARMY HAD REPORT THERE IS BUNCH OF FEDAYEAN HIDE TO AMBUSH THE ARMY, SARGENT SEND A GROUP TO CAPTURE THEM OR KILL THEM FOR GOOD. THEY WENT ON DARK AND WAIT TO SEE IF THERE IS ANY MOVEMENTS BUT NOTHING THEN THEY PLANED SOMETHING TO CACH THEM. THEY SOURANDED THE AREA AND ONE GUYS FROM WEST WITH LOUD SPEKER SAID HEY MOHAMAD, ABOUT TEN IRAQI NAMED MOHAMAD RAISE AND SAID YES THEN WITH SILENCE GUN AMERICAN SHOOT THEM, ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER ANOTHER GUYS FROM SOUTH CALL HEY ABDOLHOUSSIN THEN ANOTHER 20 GET UP AND SAID YES THEN ANOTHER SILENCE SHOOT AND ANOTHER GROUP DEAD FINALLY IRAQI SOLDER BECOME SMART AND THEY TRY TO DO THE SAME TRICK TO AMERICAN AND ONE BY ONE CALL HEY JOHN NO REPLY THEN THEY CALL AGAIN HEY ALBERT NO ONE REPLY AGAIN HEY GEORGE NOTHING HAPPEN. SO AFTER WHILE AMERICAN GO AGAIN AND SAID HOW WAS LOOKING FOR JOHN, ALBERT AND GEORGE?
THEN ALL IRAQI STAND AND SAID WE ARE AND BOOM ALL SHOOT TO DEAD WITH SILENCED GUN !!!