Johnson Jokes / Recent Jokes

Police: "Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them."
Mr. Johnson: "Tell the thief he can keep them."
Police: "But don't you want your credit cards back?"
Mr. Johnson: "No. He's been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson."

20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1. I thought you were crazy, now I more...

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. “I win!” said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A. M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

How to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...
- You've got Windows on your laptop.
- Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
- Your dork is ajar.
- Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
- I can see your Gap dancers.
- Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
- Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
- Elvis Junior has left the building!
- Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
- Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
- Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!
- Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.
- You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
- Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.
- You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
- I see you have an opening in senior management.
- Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady2. Bare Belly3. Silk Panties4. Conscience5. Jockey Shorts6. Clean Sheets7. Thighs8. Big Johnson9. Heavy Bosum10. Merry CherryAt the Post: They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy more...