Judge Jokes / Recent Jokes
Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smoky, with more...
A couple of days into his trial, George, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and asked for permission to approach the Judge.
"Your Honor," George said, "I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."
"If you are guilty," the Judge bellowed, banging his fist angrily on the desk, "why did you not say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?"
Meekly, George explained, "Well, when the trial began I did think I was innocent, but that was before I had the opportunity to hear all the evidence against me."
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"
Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."
Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."
Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"
Judge: "Consider yourself lucky! - It could have been life boy."
The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...
A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody.
The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued, "Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Hai koi jawaab???
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, “Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other. ”
“Your honor, ” replied the lawyer, “That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it? ”
A DONKEY was in the witness box. The cross-
examining lawyer addressing the court said, "Your
Honour, this gadha......" The witness shouted, "Your
Honour, I object to the insinuation."
The judge said-"But aren't you one?" The witness clarified, "It is not the word that matters. It is the manner in which the word is uttered and the meaning sought to be conveyed that matters."
The judge ruled-"Objection sustained."