Kill Jokes / Recent Jokes
How do you kill a blonde in the summer?
Stick a Scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
' You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking,' I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
' You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone,' I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was more...
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. ”
-- William Shakespeare
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses.
Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent.
"Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."
DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the more...
If you get in my way, I'll kill you! - ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me! - somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you! - somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you! - A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you. - dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can! - messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all! - suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way. - thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I'll get in your way. - project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. - project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. - project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who more...