Kind Jokes / Recent Jokes
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer."There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there."For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary."Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke."If you don't mind, may I ask what more...
THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as' Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit'. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into more...
Martha Stewart vs Me...
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh more...
What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers.
What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing, it just shuts up.
What does Michael Jackson call his "Tickle-me Elmo" doll?
Bait.
What goes "99 thump 99 thump 99 thump...?"
A centipede with a wooden leg.
What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"?
A watch dog.
What is a reptile's favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz.
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.
What kind of reptile tells time?
A clock-odile.
What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
Chocolate chimp cookies.
What magazine do cats like to read?
Good Mousekeeping.
What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, more...
*The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the more...
"Five Kinds of Sex"
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.