Ladies Jokes / Recent Jokes
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. -President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts..."-Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."-Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."-Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements."-Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist"-Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. "We found the term 'killing' too broad."-State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary more...
THE COWBOY CODE1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon. 2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence. 3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet. 4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt. 5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover. 6. A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it. 7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop. 8. A more...
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This man was an excellent pilot, but not very good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane preceeding him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold descent while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement to the passengers:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air, and one of the flight attendants relayed their concern to the captain. His announcement to the passengers:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in more...
Teacher: Correct The Sentence, "A Bull And A Cow Is Grazing In The Field Student: A Cow And A Bull Are Grazing In The Field Teacher Teacher: How? Student: Ladies First.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"
Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained: "The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian church!"
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... ou think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"