Lays Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says "When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I've tried everything, but she doesn't moan, doesn't scream, doesn't even move"
The guy pats his friend on the back and says "Yeah, she does that with me, too."

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand-$15
Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15
Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50
Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75
Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15
Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20
Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25
Lays mic down facing monitor-$50
Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75
Straight arms mic when singing-$15
Drops mic-$10
Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100
Doesn't have set list-$10
Doesn't have keys on set list-$15
Doesn't have original songs charted-$20

One day, a stunningly attractive woman walks into a doctor's office. As soon as the doctor lays his eyes on her his profession goes right out the window. He asks her to take off her pants. He asks her to sit on the table and when she does, he starts firmly rubbing her thighs. He asks her, "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies, "Checking for abnormalities." Then, he tells her to take off her shirt and bra, and she does as she is told and he starts rubbing her breasts. Again he asks, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Checking for cancer," she replies. Then he instructs her to take her panties off, and after she does, he lays her back, pulls off his pants and underwear, jumps up on top of her and begins to have sex with her. Once again, "Do you know what I am doing?" Then, the woman answers, "Checking for herpes, that's what I am here for."

Dear Aunt Sophie,
My boyfriend just won't leave me in peace for a minute. He does it to me all the time no matter what I am doing. When I am ironing, he lays me across the ironing board and I've got burn marks on my knees to prove it. When I am cooking, he lays me across the kitchen table and does it. I've got knife wounds in my bum to prove it. Please excuse my shaky handwriting.