Lead Jokes / Recent Jokes

The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children more...

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should more...

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active more...

Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King
The following essay was an actual submission by a student, who was given the assignment: ''Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.''
Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are collaborative
efforts, this one is the work of the exceptionally fruitful pen
of a single student. Read it and enjoy!
The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationalities
and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was more...

The lead singer of the children's group The Wiggles announced he will stop performing after being diagnosed with a chronic condition that causes dizziness, fatigue and nausea. The condition, Yokoonoitis, is caused by singing lead for the Wiggles.

THE BRAINS TRUST PRESENTS:
"PRETZEL EATING IN SAFETY AND COMFORT"
A Guide for the Dangerously Stupid
======================================
Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr Salty" Pretzels.
Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment, however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and followed.
YOU WILL NEED
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your choice
Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS
STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the more...