Left Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little duck entered a bar one day and sauntered up to the bartender. "Got any gwapes?" the duck asked.
"No, sorry," the bartender replied. The duck left the bar, disappointed.
The next day, the duck walked into the bar again and asked, "Got any gwapes?"
"I told you yesterday, no, I don't!' the bartender answered angrily. The duck left, even more disappointed.
The following day, the duck walked into the bar again and asked, "Got any gwapes?"
"No! I told you, I do not have any grapes. If you dare to come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" bellowed the bartender.
The next day, the duck waddled into the bar yet again. As the bartender eyed him suspiciously, he asked, "Go any nails?"
"No, why?" asked the bewildered bartender.
"Got any gwapes, then?" asked the duck.

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of' em.

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell' em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy' em!)

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send' em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob.. . you get the idea)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever more...

How to identify a Canadian driver: 1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping more...

Only a Kentuckian could think of this...
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lexington, KY.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off it was a fine, dry summer night -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, more...

I Don't Think He'll Win Any Popularity Contests...
... On Monday morning it was determined to arrest "the Greaser," Joe Pizzanthia, and to see precisely how his record stood in the Territory... A party started for his cabin, which was built on a side-hill. The interior looked darker than usual from the bright glare of the surrounding snow. The smmons to come forth being disregarded, Smith Ball and George Copley entered, contrary to the advice of their comrades, and instantly recieved the fire of their concealed foe. Copley was shot through the breast. Smith Ball recieved a bullet in the hip. They both staggered out, each ejaculating, "I'm shot." Copley was led off by two friends, and died of his wound. Smith Ball recovered himself, and was able to empty his six shooter into the body of the assassin, when the latter was dragged forth.
The popular excitement rose nearly to madness. Copley was a much-esteemed citizen, and Smith Ball had many friends. It was more...

You Know You're From a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
The city limits signs are both on the same post!
The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
Second Street is in the next town more...

T-shirt sighting - worn by woman, caption situated exactly over her left breast - "I'm a fermata - hold me."