Left Jokes / Recent Jokes

In June 2004, George Washington University president Stephen Trachtenberg delivered some remarks at the annual graduation ceremony. "If anybody has a mortarboard, you can move your tassels from right to left, right to left," he advised, "which is what I hope happened to your politics in the last four years."

Signs you've had too much of the' 90s Part II

21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five perma

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"7:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid more...

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon."Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked."Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin! In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"The husband agrees, and the following night asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?""No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife, who then rolled over and fell asleep.When she woke up, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?""No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor more...

The brothel's madam opened the door to find a frail, elderly gentleman standing there. "May I help you?" asked the madam.
"I want Natalie," replied the old man.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else... "
"No, I must see Natalie," insisted the old man.
Just then Natalie appeared and advised the old man that she charges $1000 a visit. Without blinking an eye, he reached in his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two of them then went up to a room for an hour, after which the old man calmy left.
The next evening, he appeared at the brothel again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... the price was still $1000. Again, he took out the money and the two of them went up to a room. An hour later, he left.
No one could believe it when he showed up the third consecutive night. Again, he demanded to more...

What to do With Hotel Soap

The following letters were taken from an actual incident
between a London hotel and one of its guests.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear more...