Let Jokes / Recent Jokes

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The more...

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows' 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature more...

HOW THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT STOLE CHRISTMAS
by Paul Edwards
' Twas a while before Christmas when Santa Claus said,
"Now the ADA's passed, I've a pain in my head.
It used to be easy to hire the elves
Who made all the toys and who stocked all the shelves.
Then the time came when the Congress did say
That I had to be careful about who I pay.
So I went and got Rudolph to pilot my sleigh.
He was racially different, so that was okay.
I used to hire men elves but that had to stop.
I had to let women elves into the shop.
Then Buddhists and Muslims and Croats and Jews
Became part of the mix from which I had to choose.
And just when it seemed I had got used to all
Then the ADA passed and it changed every call.
Before I was forced to hire folks from all nations
But now I am told to make accommodations!
Who understands all that the new law demands?
You must hire consultants! Put more...

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make' em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O. K., o. k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? more...

Our dog jokes are a chuckle and will leave you in stitches! What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman yelling on the back porch? The dog quits barking when you let it in! We got a lot more funny jokes about dogs, so check these out.

Why are dogs such bad dancers?
They have two left feet.
"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix "dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by' dog'."
"I can," shouted a little redhead from the back row, "Collieflower!"
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.' 'Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied,' 'Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist more...

The husband came strolling in the front door to discover his wife in the passionate embrace of his best friend.
"I love him, John," she said to her surprised spouse.
"See here," said the friend, "we're all too sophisticated to let a situation like this get out of hand. Tell you what let's do-we're both sportsmen-I'll play you a game of gin rummy for her."
The husband thought about that for a moment.
"All right," he said, "but let's play for a penny-a-point on the side, just to keep it interesting."

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows' 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, " Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in more...