Line Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman, desperate for work, applies for a job. The manager goes over her impressive resume but explains that they have nothing worthy of her background. The distraught woman pleads she will take anything. The manager is sympathetic. She is offered a low-skilled job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo assembly line.

Her duties are explained and she is to start the next day. Not even an hour into her first day on the job, there's a frantic knock on the manager's door. The foreman is crazed and drags the manager to the assembly line. Sure enough, things are a royal mess. Elmos are piling up everywhere. At the end of the line is the new worker. She has a bolt of fabric and a large box of marbles. They are both stunned. They watch as she fashions a small bag, inserts two marbles and sews it between Elmo's legs.

Eventually the manager understands what has happened. "Dear woman you misunderstood me yesterday. I just want you to give each Elmo two test tickles."

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up more...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. Her actions, deep sighs, and nasty remarks made it obvious she was in a hurry and very agitated by the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas! ” “Don’t worry, ma’am, ” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you’ll be home in no time. ”

The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What's that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies. The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The Pope doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays. A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matt ers he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the more...

One day, a line of people were waiting for the bus at a busy bus station. At the front of the line was a very attractive blonde woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather skirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high, and so with exasperation and a sigh, she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, Morris, a big guy behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts more...

This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to whereto report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell. He sees one sign that says: "For Women" and then notices a sign that says: "For Men."
As he approaches the aisle for men, he sees one window with a sign: "For men who were dominated by women in life". The line of men standing in that line was very long.
Then he saw another sign that said :"For men who dominated women." He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.
At the window, God approached him and remarked, "Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred years - you must be a tough person."
"Well no," he replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.