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There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"

Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.

25 Signs That You Are Italian And Live In The 3rd Millennium ~ 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three 3. You call your son`s beeper to let him know it`s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What`s for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven`t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving more...

I'M GLAD I'M A MANI'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, And when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, And when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a more...

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behindI'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crackAnd what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the sideI'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a more...

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I amI don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and SpamI don't brag to my buddies about my erectionsI won't drive to Hell before I ask for directionsI don't get wasted at parties and act like a clownand I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your buttmy belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gutand I don't go around "readjusting" my crotchor yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notchI don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behindI'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could singI don't have body hair like shag carpetingIt doesn't grow from my ears or cover my backWhen I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crackAnd what's on my head doesn't leave with my combI'll never buy a toupee to cover my domeOr have a few hairs pulled from over the sideI'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for meto more...

An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50, 000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."

Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10, 000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35, 000 in."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25, 000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am more...