Live Jokes / Recent Jokes

Anthony`s Law of Force: Don`t force it, get a larger hammer.

Anthony`s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Baker`s Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker

Banacek`s Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.

Barker`s Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.

Becker`s Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "... once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee`s incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")

Belle`s Constant: The ratio of time more...

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, And when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, And when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its more...

There are only two things to worry about. Either you are sick or you are well. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you re sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you live or you die. If you live there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are two things to worry about. Either you go to heaven or you go to hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy greeting old friends you won't have time to worry!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I more...

STRANGE U.S. SEX LAWS
-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.)
-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
-- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
-- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude.
-- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And more...

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breastsI can get where I want to - north, south, east or westI don't get wasted after only 2 beersand when I do drink I don't end up in tears.I won't spend hours deciding what to wear, I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hairand I don't go around checking my reflectionin everything shiny from every direction.I don't whine in public and make us leave earlyand when you ask why get all bitter and surly.I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could singI don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the backI don't carry our differences into the sack.I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.I'm rational, reasonable, and logical tooI know what the time is and I know what to do.And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand more...

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.
The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!".
The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".
So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"
The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"