Look Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying more...

Always look like a Shiseido Spokes model: he would be proud to take the girl around shopping and showing her off. Never be taller than him: it makes him look bad. Compliment! Tell him that his little Honda Civic is a lot sportier looking than the Porsche. Have him upgrade the civic to a prelude his senior year and when he graduates persuade him to get a Supra. Buy him clothes Dead Rap stars would wear: Polo, Hilfinger, Nautica, Nikes, Timberlands, and Quicksilver (close enough to big brand names). Never use more hair products than he does. Tell him his baggy clothes makes him look bigger. (BTW, from tric) Talk to him in a way that allows him to use what little of Japanese (any Asian language ) he knows. Tell him that he's different from the other white guys on the street. The special white guy you love. Compliment him on both his shirts... the button long sleeve one, and the print t-shirt he has on underneath. Make them think that because they understand your "culture", they more...

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:
A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. more...

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. more...

3 backpackers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman walked into a bar in Sydney.The trio walk up to bar, the bartender leans over.He says "
I DON'T WANT ANY FIGHTS! If you start any, all of you will be chucked out.There's a man at the end of the bar, he's 6'5in.and 250lbs and has no ears.He's very sensitive about having no ears and if he catches looking at him, he'll rip ya heads off"
.
2 hours later, the bouncer approaches the three. He turns to the Englishman, and says "
Hey you, what are you looking at?"
"
I was looking at your hair, you have lovely hair, you should look after your hair."
He says "
Why?"
"
Because if you don't, you end up bald like me."
He turns to the Welshman,"
What are you looking at?"
"
I was looking at your teeth, you have nice, white teeth.You should look after those teeth."
He says "
Why?"
more...

three guys are at a funeral.so one guy says when i pass on i want them to say he looks good, was a good father and good husband.the second one says when i die i want them to look at me and say he was a good man in the community, helped people in need, always there when someone needed me and so on.the third one says when they see me in the coffin i want them to say look he is moving.

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop' em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every more...