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Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him.

"You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. more...

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test
1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!"
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the more...

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"She replied, "Im having a baby."With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"She said, "He sure is."Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?"

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do more...

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor more...

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY more...