Lost Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: " Yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells: "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
Three men are in a hot air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon
somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have got an idea. We can call for help in this
canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." He leans over the basket and
yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"
They hear the echo several times. 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing
voice, "Helllloooooo! You are lost!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies, "For three reasons: 1) he took a long time to answer, 2) he was
absolutely correct, and 3) his answer was absolutely useless."
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years' War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label more...
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said,' Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!' The wrestler nodded in agreement.
The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat more...
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case." Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in more...
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park... and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost..... I was just too tired to walk home."