Lover Jokes / Recent Jokes

Now here is a situation that only arises in the course of hypothetical debate: which is more appetizing, a lousy meal or lousy sex? Having recently been deep in the midst of both, I would err on the side of the lousy meal.

The lousy meal is the ultimate disappointment for the inner glutton – a long-desired session with Mr. Knife and Ms. Fork becomes an assault on the olfactory passages and/or the taste buds. The frustration becomes universal, since your dining partner and the person who prepared the meal are dragged into the sour mood created by your unhappiness. But, of course, it doesn’t always have to be that way – a healthy variety of sterling lies can be tapped to negate the toxicity of the situation (“I guess I wasn’t that hungry,” “I’m too upset to eat,” “I’m still full from lunch,” etc.). A doggy bag request can help wrap up the problematic meal for burial at a later date and distant location while a digestible alternative is sought out to fill more...

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little more...

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with more...

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover more...

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!"The man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!"

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of more...

a gay guy comes home from work and takes a shower after his shower he goes to the freezer and opens it and finds his gay lover in the freezer.he says what the hell are you doing in the freezer.his lover said i thought you might want to slip into something cold after your shower....