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NAME:' Expecteria Trouserius' (Trouser Snake, also known as well, uhum. . Dick?)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) * Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species. Usually used by the male species instead of brains.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will more...

REDMOND, Wash. - June 1, 2001 - In direct response to the recent decision handed down by the Court of Appeals agreeing with the decision of the lower court on the case presented by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said. "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President George Bush, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.
An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2002 at the latest", according to Microsoft President Steve more...

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.

"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."

"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Abie and Moishe ran a Judaica shop on Delancy Street on the Lower East Side of NY for 33 years. Their once thriving business was doing poorly because almost all the Jews moved away and the neighborhood was now Hispanic.
Abie came up with a novel idea. Why not sell Catholic goods so they could stay in business?
Moishe agreed. So, Abie called up a Catholic good supply house on Park Avenue and placed his order. He said:
"Catholic Supply House. I'd like 100 rosary beads, 50 autographed pictures, and 75 crucifixes".
The supply house representative confirmed the order and then said:
"Do you vant the crucifixes mit Jesus or mitout Jesus? By the way, we don't deliver on Saturdays. We're closed for Shabbos.

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando."When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.""If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to more...

Once Santa Singh and Banta Singh happened to be together in Delhi. Having excursion tickets, they boarded a DTC double decker. Banta Singh, finding no vacant seat in the lower deck, went to the upper deck and took a seat. He was surprised to see that there was no driver in the upper deck. Showing his anxiety, he asked Santa Singh if there was a driver in the lower deck. Promptly came the reply that there was indeed a driver. Banta Singh then said "Utte te wahe guru challanda pia hai" (God is driving this upper deck himself).