Major Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lovely GirlAn Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl.? Turn the car around,? he ordered.The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.?Driver,? said the major,? you`d be a total loss in an emergency.??I thought I did pretty well,? the driver said.? That was my girl.?

Tonight every major network is airing "Hope for Haiti".
I hope the results turn out better than the "Hope for America" that aired on the every major network almost exactly one year ago today - Also known as the Presidential Inauguration.

The General: Faster than a speeding bullet,
More powerful than a locomotive,
Leaps over tall buildings with a single bound,
Walks on water, and
Talks with God
The Colonel: Just as fast as a speeding bullet,
More powerful than a switch engine,
Leaps over small buildings with a single bound,
Walks on water when it's calm, and
Talks with God on special occasions
The Lt Col: Faster than a speeding BB,
Loses a tug-of-war with a switch engine,
Leaps over small buildings with a running start,
Swims well, and
Listens at a distance to the voice of God.
The Major: Can load a gun properly,
Plays with train sets,
Leaps over Quonset huts with a running start,
Can do the Dog Paddle, and
Sometimes pays attention to what the Lt. Col. says,
The Captain: Is not issued ammunition for fear of self-inflicted injury,
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times,
Runs into buildings,
Can wade through water less more...

Field TestMy father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father`s hand.? Don`t congratulate me, sir,? my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver.? It was all the sergeant`s doing.?The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.? Congratulations,? he said.? The major`s wife just had a baby girl.?

Build a Road the Army WayOne of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern,? Lieutenant, *I`m* in charge.?He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,?Lieutenant, you`re in charge.?

Whilst being accosted by a certain aggressive Fundamentalist sect the other day it dawned on me that the major world's religions have fundamental mindsets, styles, and procedures not unlike those of popularly-known businesses. For example, consider the world's major religions:
HINDUISM: Much like an import market -- a wide variety of curios, trinkets, bizarre weapons, and grotesque statuary; colorful, gaudy, elaborate, and of questionable taste. The building has several floors but there are no stairs between them.
BUDDHISM: An arts shop with a range of elegant and sophisticated curios pleasing to the eye and harmonious to the mind, though not necessarily of much practical use. However, you must buy one of everything. .. but if you just want to browse, that's OK too.
JUDAISM: A large banking concern that's been in the family for generations. Plush carpet, nice leather chairs, memorabilia of the past arranged on the walls; generally they prefer to deal with insiders but more...

Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25. Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida).
Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos.... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
There is only one way to spell more...