Maybe Jokes / Recent Jokes
There once was a really dumb blonde who had two horses. Now this blonde couldn't tell her two horses apart so she decided to ask her neighbor to help he out. She said to her neighbor, "I have two horses that I can't tell apart, can you help me?" "Sure," said her neighbor, "maybe you should nick one of their ears, then you could tell them apart." So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day the blonde went to check up on her horses but saw that she could not tell them apart for the other horse had nicked it's ear also. So, she went back over to her neighbors. "My other horse has a nicked ear now to." she said, " Do you have any other ideas how to tell them apart? They are both girls." "Hmmmm." thought her neighbor," Cut one's tail shorter than the other!" So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day, though, both horses had the same length of tail! So, the blond, tired of walking to her neighbors house more...
Wesley Snipes was recently indicted for tax fraud of $12 million.
Updated editions of Passenger 57 will include the line "Always bet on black, except this one time."
He has not been arrested, as he has not yet been found.
So maybe White Men Can't Jump, but this black man can jump bail.*
His career will likely undergo some Demolition, Man.
He faces a maximum of 16 years in prison.
Where he will start researching the prequel to Blade... Shiv.
*Bonus: Maybe they should send some U.S. Marshals after him.
THE MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're. .. so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost more...
Hello out there all people of the world.
This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.
The first result showed:
428, 534, 120 Good
428, 523, 119 Bad
The second result showed:
428, 534, 118 Good
428, 523, 121 Bad
So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not. So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant.
You know, Good... and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were more...
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup more...
EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe more...
"Well, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will more...