Men Jokes / Recent Jokes
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larrywent on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......
The four men at the card table were being bothered by an irritating kibitzer. When the troublesome talker stepped into the next room to mix a drink, one of the players suggested, "This next hand let's make up a game nobody ever heard of-he won't know what the hell we're playing and maybe that will shut him up."
When the kibitzer returned, the dealer tore the top two cards in half and gave them to the man on his right: he tore the corners off the next three cards and placed them before the next player, face up; he tore the next five cards in quarters, gave fifteen pieces to the third man, four to himself and put the last piece in the center of the table.
Looking intently at four small pieces of card in his hand, the dealer said, "I have a mingle, so I think I'll bet a dollar."
The second man stared at the pasteboards scattered before him. "I have a snazzle," he announced, "so I'll raise you a dollar."
The third man folded more...
Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men?
Women would say:
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.
Here's Men's rebuttal.....
Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they
left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the
house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"
What`s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What`s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What`s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What`s the fastest way to a man`s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can`t stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What`s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it`s good for the dishwasher to match more...
Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am more...
1. Why did God create woman?
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
_____
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-The swallow.
_____
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
-Call her.
_____
4. Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.
_____
5. What is the definition of "making love"
-Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
_____
6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
-Slow down and use a lubricant.
_____
7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]HOLE weak.
_____
8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
_____
9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B. S. E?
-One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural more...
A couple were throwing a dinner party for all the major bigwigs in San Diego. The wife was very excited about the party and wanted everything to be just perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket and gather some snails. Grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down the beach and talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails for the dinner party. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place for a drink. Well one thing led to another, and the man ended up spending the night at her place. At 7 AM the next morning he more...