Mental Jokes / Recent Jokes

Santa and Banta Singh were both in a mental hospital. Once they were walking past a swimming pool, Santa suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Banta promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Santa out. When the medical director became aware of Banta's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Banta the news, he said,' Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is Santa, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Banta replied,' He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.'

Some non-Christian (but not unChristian) bits of important wisdom for earth dwellers:
Be a Fundamentalist - ensure that the Fun always comes before the Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in the material world is to get more material from that track. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will ensure regularity.
Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for entering, so you are already a winner!
The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.
Life is like photography - you use the negative to develop. No matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you...
It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the more...

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "I'd be half blind." more...

A Japanese mental health counselor recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory on Wednesday, setting a new world record. After the incident, it was recommended that he see a mental health counselor.
Even more impressive was the man's ability to recite all the lyrics to "It's the End of the World As We Know It."

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what`s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

A cub reporter covered a story about an attact on a woman by an escapee from a mental assylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman raped, mental patient escapes".
The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".
The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, go back and try again. Much later he came back with "Nut screws and bolts".

There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him.
The same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously.
Intrigued, the nurse asked,"Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?"
Still shaking, the patient replied, "No, my dear nurse, the bottle of medicine you gave me said 'shake before drinking' but I forgot to shake!"
"Oh dear."