Mental Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day the nurse who was working in the mental hospital walked towards the pool side in the hospital where our hero John was admitted. Unfortunately she dived in to the pool, her bad luck, john saw that as he jumped in to the pool and saved her.
Then the doctors decided to discharge him from the hospital, once a servant came to john and told him that doctors are calling him. When he visited the doctors, they told him that, now he is in good condition and he is sensible now, so he can leave the hospital, but conveyed the bad news that the nurse he saved hung herself in the toilet and she died.
Then john told the doctors that she didn't hung herself, but he hung her there to dry.

Santa, Banta and one of their friends are patients in a mental institution and are preparing for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If they pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes them to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then Banta jumps and breaks both legs.
Santa looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You`re a free man. Just tell me why didn`t you jump? ” asked the doctor.
To which Santa answered, “Well Doc, I can`t swim! ”

New telephone answering system at County Mental Health: (possibly off to mental health professionals and clients)
ring, ring...
"Hello, you have reached the automated operator for County Mental Health.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3,4,5,& 6.
If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are suffering from depression, hang up - it wouldn't have done any good anyway.
Thank you for calling, please make your selection now.

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,' Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna more...

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yanks.

Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that.

That is the Post Office Tower.

Oh our towers are much bigger.

This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too.

I thought it might be said the taxi driver, That is the mental institute.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and more...

A man walks into a restaurant and explains to the manager that he's from the mental hospital up the street. He says he would like to bring a group of the better-adjusted patients in for a meal, as part of their socialization process. The manager says that would be fine, he's always glad to support the local community.
"Fine", says the visitor, "but one other thing. We don't allow the patients to have money, so they all carry bottle caps. They will offer these for payment, just take them and I'll
settle with you afterwards". The manager agrees, and they set a date.
The patients come in, order, enjoy their meal, are extremely polite to the wait staff, and when they leave, thank the manager and give him large handfuls of bottle caps. The manager tells the man from the hospital how
pleased he is, and presents him the bill.
He looks at it and says "That's a little more than I expected, you got change for a manhole cover?"