Mental Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon -- we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you cantell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in more...
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now... I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.""That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife, while he's in Chicago.
Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist.
AND. ....
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of the female problems start with MALES???
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them. .... and it does!!!
John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people stopped to stare at him. One lady said, “I hate you, Rocker, you dissed New York. ”
The next person says, “Thanks, Rocker. You dissed homosexuals. ”
The next guys says, “You dissed people with mental problems. ”
Rocker is shocked and says, “I didn’t say anything about people with mental problems! ”
The man smiles and says, “Now people think that all people with mental problems are racist and dumb. ”
New telephone answering system at County Mental Health: (possibly off to mental health professionals and clients)
ring, ring. ..
"Hello, you have reached the automated operator for County Mental Health. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5,& 6.
If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are suffering from depression, hang up - it wouldn't have done any good anyway. Thank you for calling, please make your selection now.
A doctor who works at the mental hospital wants to take his patients out to a baseball game seeing as they're so well behaved. He goes to his colleagues and asks them if it's ok. They don't want to let him take them in case they misbehave or do something wrong seeing as they're complete nutcases.
But the doctor wants to show them that the patients are really good. So he brings them in and says, "Sit Nuts." And all the patients sit.
He then says, "Stand Nuts." And all the patients stand. He then says "Talk Nuts." And they all start chatting. The other doctors are impressed and agree its ok.
So they go to the stadium and the doctor leaves to go get snacks. When he comes back out everyone is running and screaming. He stops a guy and asks him what the heck is happening. The man replies, "The vendor came by and started yelling PEANUTS! and a bunch of people started pissing all over the place."
You might recall that John Hinckley was the seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from former presidential hopeful John McCain to Mr. Hinkley. The staff at the mental facility where Hinkley is being treted is reported to have intercepted this memo and it reads as follows:
To: John Hinckley
From: Sen. John McCain, R AZ.
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is more...