Message Jokes / Recent Jokes

Steve, who lived with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.
His friend immediately wired him with the message, "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

According to reuters, a 16-year old Singaporean student broke the Guinness World Record for shortest amount of time needed to type a 160-character SMS (Short Message Service), completing it in 41.52 seconds. The message was as follows:
No body rlly gives 2 craps about who can type the wrld’s fastest txt mssage and this experment is a wste of time. Nx time will brek this usless recrd in 39 scs

Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, more...

According to the managers of the Chicago House of Blues, attractive down syndrome victim, Kevin Federline took a Sharpie marker and wrote the following message on a dressing room mirror "Today I'm a free man. Ladies look out. Fuck a wife. Give me my kids bitch." - K.Federline. With writing skills like this it makes you wonder why his album sales have done so poorly. Being out sold by such discs like Mike Tyson's "Songs to Rape To" and Stephen Hawking's single "The Twelve Days of Christmas".
It has been reported that after the discovery of K-Fed's (I feel dirty just from typing that) deep message, he has been tapped to replace Daniel McGoarty as President Bush's head speech writer.

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn more...