Mind Jokes / Recent Jokes
Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with more...
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my more...
College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...
There was a little boy and a little girl that would go every day behind
a bush after school, strip thier clothes and debate which one was better.
One day the little girl went home and asked her mom what the difference
between a boy and a girl was. The mother having a very sick mind
told her daughter that she had a garage and boy's have a fire truck.
she then said that you don't want boy's to put their fire truck
into your garage.
Well that very same day the boy aked his father
the same question. The father having a sick mind told his son that
he had a fire truck and girls have a garage. he told his son that
he should try to put his fire truck into thier garage as many times
as he could.
The next day after school they debated again. The girl went home and she went
inside. When her maother saw her she had blood all over her hands. Her mother
screamed and asked her what had happened and the little girl said that the more...
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romanticwalk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll hislustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don'tmind but I'm busting to have a piss". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK whydon't you go behind these bushes". She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rollingdown her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches througha gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings hishand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!"." No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
Q: Why can't men mind their own business?
A: Because 1. no mind and 2. no business.