Missing Jokes / Recent Jokes
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of' em."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of more...
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am?" the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children," the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.
From modernhumorist.com
"One Hollywood exec said he wouldn't be surprised if the movie rights to 'the election of the century' were already being negotiated. 'It's got all the ingredients—a mysterious electoral college, weird tabulating procedures, missing ballots, lawsuits—as well as photogenic lead characters'."
- Variety
Uncountable
Dir. M. Night Shyamalan
In this supernatural thriller from the creator of "The Sixth Sense," an election is not what it seems. Gore (Bruce Willis) is haunted by the memory of losing Palm Beach County by a narrow margin. His son, Al Gore III (Brad Renfro) tells him, "I see missing ballots." An election law expert (Samuel L. Jackson) tries to find the truth. Please do not reveal the surprise ending (Gov. Carnahan is dead!).
How the Grinch Stole the Election
Dir. Ron Howard
Ralph Nader (Abe Vigoda) plots to steal away as many votes as possible from the gentle Gores in Goreville (Tennessee). more...
An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?" "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off." "Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?" "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber." "Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?" "Seagull droppings," says the Captain. "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out." "Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."
The Missing Toupee!
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying more...
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS more...