Missing Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day a man was watching a show that shows how people make candy bars (by the way he has one in his hand). About halfway through the show, his son comes in asks him if he could ask him a question. The man says yes so his son asks him, "Where can most criminals be found?"
The Man answers, "Behind candy bars"
"My point exactly," the son replies. (The son found 12 dollars to missing the day before and his father was the only who could take it given the circumstances at the time.)
A couple weeks later the man finds many of his personal items go missing. Then, one day when found his watch missing and he realizes his son took it. So the man waited until his son took out a candy bar for dessert after dinner and then he asks him, "Where can most criminals be found?"
"Behind Bars," replies his son thinking, *No DUH!!!? How dumb does he think I am?*
"Candy Bars to be exact," his father adds.
Firing Squad
Three criminals were getting set to be executed by a firing squad. They were all tied up to posts,
waiting for the general to give the signal to the soldiers to shoot them.
The general yells, "Ready, aim..."
All of a sudden the first criminal yells, "Tornado!"
The soldiers and general are frightened by the call, running to hide in fear. The criminal unties
himself and escapes.
The soldiers gather themselves for the next execution. the second criminal realizes what the first
criminal has done, so he takes his shot as well.
The general yells, "Ready, aim..."
Then the second criminal yells, "Hurricane!"
Again the general and soldiers run in fright, giving time to the second criminal to escape. The third
criminal understands the trend and attempts the same. The soldiers get ready for the next attempt.
The general yells, "Ready, aim..."
Then the third more...
Having lost his donkey Natha got down on his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,' Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?'
Natha replied,' I am thanking him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too.'
Slow out of the gate. Smarter than the average bear. Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney. So boring, his dreams have Muzak. So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight. So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him. So dumb, he faxes face up. So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks. So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal. So fat, people jump over him rather than go around. So slow, he has to speed up to stop. So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress. So stupid, he tries to drown fish. So stupid, mind readers charge her half price. So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards. Some Assembly Required. Some bugs in his software. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Some of her inodes have nodded off. Some pages missing. Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue. Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check. Someday when she's younger... Someone blew out his pilot light. Someone more...
Computer Ease! The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or more...
An Englishman, an American and a Sinhala man are called
upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says. "I think I can
empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ goes the lie detector. "Ok, 10
bottles". And themachine is silent. The American says. "I think
I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ goes the lie detector.
"all right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sinhala man says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the
machine.
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Having lost his donkey a Banda, got down to his
knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,"Your
donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?
The Banda replied "I am thanking Him for seeing
to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing more...